Parent Training

Over the years, I have been requested to do a number of parent training sessions to strengthen parents in various communities throughout the United States, North America, Singapore, and China. I’m often asked what the critical components are for parent training. I’ve listed some of the major components of parent training below.

Gene Bedley

1. Power of the Model: Seldom if ever do kids improve without a model! Whether it’s modeling patience, perseverance, manners, or self disclosure, kids must first observe it in the adults in their world before being able to improve their own behavior.

2. Compliance Issues: What we need from kids must be separated from issues that are negotiable. Express needs using “I statements,” i.e. I need you to follow directions the first time given, not the second or third, but the first time given. There is no choice when it comes to watering plants. If they don’t get water they die.

3. Responsibility Management: Focus your training in the area of responsibility. Responsibility finds a way while irresponsibility makes excuses. It answers the question, do you merely want kids to obey you or to be responsible? Kids will become obedient through the cultivation of responsibility. Develop a program where kids get more attention for being responsible than irresponsible. The WBR Program found in the book The Big R Responsibility has a proven tract record for promoting responsibility one act at a time. Make a chart of Parent’s Responsibilities and Children’s Responsibilities. Leave no doubts as to who is responsible for what.

4. Core Ethical Virtues: Identify the core ethical virtues that support your purpose and mission in life. The entire Values in Action! program, which uses body reference points, is designed to assist you in this area. Initiative is one of the virtues that builds a non-prompted life style. Initiative is the highest form of responsibility. Dominant Thoughts, Respect, Integrity, Compassion, Cooperation, Perseverance and Initiative are the values we would recommend to start with.

5. Expressing Feelings: Often kids do not know what they are feeling and are dependent on the parent to help them understand as well express appropriate feelings. While children’s feelings need to be validated we need to teach our children to move beyond their feelings and resolve the problems we encounter. While feelings are important we cannot rely exclusively on them in solving our problems.

6. Logic and Limits: Parenting through logic and limits begins with clear concise boundaries. Kids need to know the parameters and the rationale for their behavior. Teach kids morals and ethics. Begin with the way we treat each other. Respect is not “children should be seen and not heard!” Respect is demonstrated consideration and regard for others. Make sure everyone gets their voice in the room. Teach children how to respond to their world by separating fact from opinion!

7. Encouragement and Affirmation: Reinforce positive behavior by encouragement and affirmation, not praise. Praise is like frosting on a cake. If there is too much, the cake is ruined. Encouragement help kids recognize what they do, they do. The entire focus is on the intrinsic motivators not extrinsic things. Praise has a tendency to build dependency on adults’ feedback and on things, rather than personal efforts.

8. Goal Setting: The willed future supersedes the logical future, We are not just a product of our circumstances. We are revealed by our circumstances. The fact is we all make responsible choices and irresponsible choices. Ultimately the choices we make make us! Teach your children to do a little bit better today then they did yesterday. Avoid “Do your best messages”.

9. Problem Solving: Provide a place and a process for solving problems. The place can be two chairs where you talk over problems or a “Better Choice Chair”. If anyone makes a poor choice proceed to the chairs to resolve problems not as a punishment, but to find a more responsible alternative. Teach children the steps to solving problems:

What Happened? How are you going to fix it? and Where can you begin?

10. Love: Center your training on love as the foundation. The more you love your kids and express it to them, the higher you can set your expectations. Fear and love are the two major motivators. While fear appears to work for a while, over a long period of time the side effects must be examined. A little bit of anxiety is O.K., but not being anxiety ridden. Love will never fail you and it’s what our kids desire the most from parents. Accepting you does not mean I accept everything you do.