Whether it’s dinner at a friend’s house or a business meeting over lunch, we judge people based on their table manners. But what can you do if your kids are burping and slurping their way through dinner?

Dr. Alex Packer, psychologist and the author of How Rude! A Teenagers Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out, recommends these nine steps to set your child on the road to good etiquette:

1. Look for the good. Instead of pointing out all the things your child does wrong, point out what she does right. Say, “I was so proud of you when we went to the Jones’ for dinner. It was wonderful the way you served yourself when the platter passed by.”

2. Don’t turn dinner into an unpleasant “lecture time.” That will turn kids off not only to manners, but to dinner, and to you, too.

3. Check your own example. Don’t show up for dinner in just your underwear unless you want your kids to do the same.

4. Don’t label your child as a slob. Instead, point out the behavior in a neutral, practical way. For example: “It’s a good idea to unfold your napkin so if food falls you won’t stain your clothes.”

5. Approach manners as a game. One night a week, try to have a somewhat more formal dinner. Try dressing up, serve a special meal, and expect more formal manners. That will help improve your kids’ social graces.

6. Let kids know that a manners offense doesn’t exist if there’s nobody there to see it. If you eat mashed potatoes with your fingers, and you’re alone, or with a friend who has agreed to suspend that manner, it’s not a violation.

7. Make kids part of the tradition. Invite guests over and let kids help serve hors d’oeuvres. This helps them indirectly learn about the manners that surround eating.

8. If you hear a burp, explain that in some cultures burping is a way of showing your appreciation, but here in America it’s considered rude. If you were to do that in someone else’s house, he might think you’re a slob and may not want you to come back.

9. Try dining out once in a while. Fast food restaurants don’t count; dining over Styrofoam doesn’t bring out the best in manners. And you can’t pull someone’s chair out for her if it’s bolted to the floor. Try a nice restaurant and allow kids to order their own food, and assist in paying the bill and figuring out the tip.

And Dr. Packer says not to lose heart (or your cookies) if your kids’ manners at home are atrocious. “Often these same kids exhibit exemplary behavior outside the house. If you’re getting positive reports from outside the home, that’s great. You can trust them.”

– Dr. Alex Packer