When Children Ask “Why Do I Have To Do That?”

Co-author, Mentor Manager, Mentor Parent: How to Develop Responsible People and Build Successful Relationships at Work and at Home

We have all been there! You ask your child to do something, and he responds with Why do I have to do that? When he doesn’t understand the underlying value for your instructions, he may believe that you just order him around. Making a conscious effort to teach your values can help him to understand the underlying why.

Including your value when you state expectations and boundaries throughout your daily routines brings structure to your family. Recycling paper keeps us from cutting down so many trees. Your old school papers can be recycled, so put them in the recycle bin. When your daily routine changes from what your child has come to expect, he needs to understand how the structure is different. Explain Your soccer game is an hour earlier today, so take your uniform to school because you won’t have time to come home to change.

It takes time for children to internalize values. A young child may take a purple crayon from a neighbor or a pack of gum from the store simply because she wants it. She does not yet understand how taking something that does not belong to her relates to the value of honesty. Take advantage of the opportunity to explain your values and show her what to do. We must be honest and always pay for things before we take them from the store. We need to go back to the store so that you can return the gum and explain that you took it without paying for it.

When you introduce values and expectations that are appropriate for your child’s age, he will be more likely to make these routines a part of his own life before he develops bad habits. Teach your preschooler about daily health habits and social activities. After you eat your breakfast, brush your teeth so that you’ll be ready when it’s time to go to school. Or, If you want to swing, you need to ask politely for a turn. Your kindergartner needs to learn about family chores. All our dishes need to be clean when we put them away. That’s why we wash the pots and pans last. We don’t want the greasy water to leave a film on the plates and glasses.

With your school-aged child, take advantage of teachable moments to talk about the value of completing homework on time, safety when going places with other children, and evaluating current fads in music and dress. Before adolescence, your clear value statements will relate to driving, alcohol, and drugs.

Effectively sharing your values requires repetition, consistency, and patience. Ultimately, your child will understand and internalize the values underlying your expectations through your conscious effort to explain why.

For more information, visit www.mentormanagermentorparent.com.

– Cecile Culp Mielenz, Ph.D.