by Elaine L. Lindy

CEO, Whootie Owl Productions

If there’s one word that could provide focus to all the angst over values, a prime candidate for the position would be “empathy”. The ability to imagine how someone else feels can be credited as the center from which springs compassion, honesty, cooperation, responsibility, and a veritable host of positive behaviors.

Fortunately, it appears that at least some quotient of empathy comes prepackaged in our youngsters and is evidenced, even in the toddler years. When our newborn daughter was just home from the hospital, her cousin Jacob, then about 1 year old, visited with his family to see the new baby. Jacob toddled around our house, sucking on his pacifier. Suddenly, our infant daughter burst into shrieks and tears. As the adults were trying to figure out what could be the matter, Jacob pulled out his gooey slurp-covered pacifier and tried to push the mess into the baby’s mouth. Of course we rushed forward with cries of “Jacob!” for fear of his transmitting germs. Jacob looked at us, puzzled. The baby was crying, she clearly wanted a pacifier, and so his impulse was to give the baby his own.

Setting aside for the moment our own inability, at the time, to reinforce Jacob’s generous impulses, the task of parents overall is to fan those flickering flames of empathy. And so we urge our children to “be nice”, to “take turns”, to say “please” and “thank you”. Yet beyond the level of giving verbal instructions, of standing before our children and wagging our fingers, what, really, can be done to genuinely reach their innermost selves? Put another way, why should our children buy into our notions at all?

Establish the Foundations of a Relationship

The urge to emulate and please one’s parents is born from the strength of relationship between child and parent. And that relationship is built oftentimes not on the parent’s terms, but on the child’s. The expression “floor time” refers to rolling around the floor with a very young child, tickling and chasing, and engaging in all manners of foolishness that kids find thrilling. Each of us has a mental picture of what a meaningful moment with our child looks like. It may be best to discard it. Better, if we can, to fulfill our child’s image of what parent-child closeness looks like.

The other day, as I was combing out my 7 year old daughter’s tangles — a laborious task I can assure you — I decided to create a meaningful moment. “Say, Hannah,” I purred, “how about telling Mommy what’s on your mind? You can tell me anything, absolutely anything at all.” I was eagerly anticipating a childlike confession, an insight, or poignant reflection, when she said, “What’s my favorite ice cream?” Taken slightly aback, I said, “Strawberry”. “Yes!” she cried, delighted. “So what’s my second favorite?” And so we ranked her three favorite flavors, then moved on to her three favorite toys, then to her three favorite candies. Later that night, as I tucked her in, we reviewed the day’s activities. She threw her arms around my neck and cried, “And I loved that part best of all when we counted my three favorite ice creams!” Apparently, to her, that was a meaningful, bonding moment. And if it was for her, then by gosh, it was for me, too.

Relay Stories of People or Events That are Meaningful to You

Each of us has heroes, people we respect for their admirable qualities. If we describe to our children why we admire a certain person, and describe what that person did and why it demonstrated the qualities that we admire, the strength of our feeling is almost certain to seep through our voice. Children will inevitably absorb it. At least from time to time, each of us is pleased to see public events that demonstrate admirable characteristics at work, whether in our local community or on the political landscape. If we relay why we are pleased that so-and-so did such-and-such, or that a such-and-such conflict of long standing nature was finally resolved, our children are bound to pay heed that we noticed it, and cared enough about it to mention it to them.

Create a Common Language by Reading Books & Seeing Movies Your Child Enjoys

If you sense excitement from your child about a certain book or a certain movie, take that as a clue and as a valuable opportunity for you. Ask if it’s OK to read the book also or, if the child sees the movie a second time (or waits for the movie to come out in video) ask to see the film with the child. The fact that you will be conversant in the story line and the characters will create a common language between you and the child. Capture characteristics of the book or movie that you feel represent positive values. (“I thought it was cool how Lyra took off to rescue Roger after he had disappeared…” “I was sure Snape was evil because he was always unfriendly but then it turned out he was actually helping Harry. You can’t always tell…”) Last night my 12-year-old handed me The Magician’s Nephew by C. S. Lewis. “You have to read this,” she said.

Though dicier, there’s also the opportunity to express your values when your child wants to see a movie you find objectionable. When the movie Jawbreaker was released, we established the story line of that movie as having values so low that it would be unhealthful to see it. As a prank, some teenagers stick a jawbreaker in the mouth of an aspiring prom queen and gag her; not unsurprisingly, she chokes and dies. The attitude of the movie is, “It was just an ordinary teenage prank – it could happen to anyone!” “Tell that to the girl’s parents!” I said, aghast.

Even by sharing insights on television commercials that you view together, you can provide ongoing insights that alert your child to overly glossy or shallow ideas that may be presented by the media. Your children may or may not absorb your values as expressed, but they’ll be aware of your position, and that awareness will, in time, establish a home base that will be safe and familiar for them. What’s more, the fact that you’ve expressed your ideas, in the first place, on their home turf (their books, their television shows, their movies) will speak loudly and clearly that you’re paying attention to their lives as they live the experience.

And so, in conclusion, if empathy is the quality to care about other people, to put the needs of others before one’s own, then perhaps the best way to foster this quality in our children is to manifest it ourselves in the manner in which we regard them, and treat them, and show them that we care.

Elaine L. Lindy is an expert on storytelling for character education. As CEO of Whootie Owl Productions, LLC, a Massachusetts-based company, she created the award-winning web site, “Absolutely Whootie: Stories to Grow By” (http://www.storiestogrowby.com). The web site, which presents a selection of ethical and entertaining fairy tales and folk tales from around the world, has received recognition from USA Today, Highlights for Children Teacher.net, and is recommended to teachers by Disney. Lindy can be contacted for interviews or speaking engagements at (617) 244-0106, toll-free (877)-WHOOTIE, or via e-mail at elindy@rcn.com. The mailing address of Whootie Owl Productions, LLC, is Post Office Box 300644 / Newton, MASS 02460-0004.

– Elaine L. Lindy