Dads and the “Boy Code”

“Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons From the Myths of Boyhood” is Pollack’s book on the issue of how

we’re raising boys in the United States. The hardback was published by Random House last year; the

soft-cover edition from Owl Books is in its ninth week on the New York Times’ paperback nonfiction

bestsellers list.

A clinical psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Center for Men, Pollack writes that while we’ve

come a long way in terms of talking about the “sensitive male” as

we try to support women and girls — we’ve done little to change what he calls the Boy Code.

That code of expectations, he says, is still passed from father to son, still enforced by shame, still insistent

that guys must show little if any emotion in order to be manly.

A lot of us older boys are walking around with such directives working on us. If you don’t believe it,

watch the usually docile guys in an office — or a newsroom — when

a prize fight is on TV. Something slightly less civilized gets into the air. Have you ever seen this? As

Pollack tells us, the Code lives.

Today’s dads are on the spot, standing in the center of the ring and the bell has been hit: They can take a

TKO and pass this Boy Code on to their little buddies, or they can stay on their feet and punch it out

with their own childhood programming.

Many a peer of mine can remember his father saying to him something along the lines of, “Son, never get

into a fight. But if you do, make sure the other guy comes out looking worse than you.” Wink, wink. A

buddy-smile passes. It’s a great moment of bonding. But Pollack might say the glue is the Boy Code.

Although it may seem ironic, he says more fathering and even a few good bouts with the gloves in the

backyard are keys to helping boys control anger and aggression.

“Research shows,” Pollack writes, “that while mothers tend to soothe their children and shield them from

too much stimulation, the average father is inclined to arouse the emotions and stimulate a boy, playing

with him zestfully and ‘jazzing’ him up.