Dealing with girls who bully
Social Savvy Used as Power
Carrie Watters
The Arizona Republic
Feb. 26, 2006
They are called Queen Bees: Mean girls who bully other girls. They aren’t new, but more and more people are taking a stand against it.
Girls aren’t typically the bullies who beat each other up on the playground or steal milk money.
The Queen Bees use social savvy for what some call “relational aggression.” They use friendships as leverage and sometimes as a weapon. They get other girls to spread gossip.
Girl bullying is like a hurtful game where each girl plays a different role, from the Queen Bee to the victim. Some girls fall in the middle. Maybe they are the ones who spread the rumors. Maybe they are the ones who feel bad for the victim but who are afraid to speak up.
The key is to let girls know that this is a game that they can opt out of and to help them devise strategies to do so. But the effect can be devastating.
“It affects your self-esteem. Those pieces can stay with you even as an adult,” said parent Marie Brennan at a recent workshop in the Deer Valley Unified School District.
She wasn’t alone. Other mothers and daughters recounted their experiences and learned how to arm themselves.
“Girls will almost sell their souls to fit into a clique,” Marolyn Haws told parents. Haws and Stephanie Tennille used a book called Queen Bees & Wannabees by Rosalind Wiseman to make their points.
The tendency may be the female nature combined with media bombardment from an early age to be pretty and cool. Look no further than most women’s magazines to find stories on how to be prettier, how to lose weight, how to get noticed by men.
Haws calls those dangerous messages. They are messages that at some point combine to make an environment ripe for bullying.
“At some point in development, girls fear being ostracized more than anything else. It holds them hostage and makes them really afraid,” Haws said.
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Girl bullies checklist
Some girls are naturally popular, but other socially savvy girls abuse popularity for control and attention. Here’s a checklist to determine if a girl may be a bully.
” Her friends do what she wants them to do.
” She can argue anyone down, including friends, peers, teachers and parents.
” Her comments about other girls are about the lame things they did.
” She doesn’t want to invite everyone to her birthday party, and if she does, she ignores some.
” She’s charming to adults.
” She makes other girls feel “anointed” by declaring them special friends.
” She is affectionate to one person to show rejection of another, like throwing her arms dramatically around one girl to emphasize the exclusion of another.
” She does not take responsibility when she hurts another’s feelings.
” She seeks revenge when she feels wronged.
Victims
Girls who are part of cliques can still be the brunt of bullying behavior. Here’s a checklist to decide if a girl may be the target of taunts.
” She feels hopeless to stop other girls’ behavior.
” She feels isolated and without allies.
” She can mask her hurt by rejecting people first, saying she doesn’t like anyone.
” She doesn’t want to talk because she is embarrassed to admit she is a target of bullying.
How parents can help
” Communicate. Talk to the girl about cliques.
” Ask questions. Don’t lecture.
” Problem-solve. Brainstorm with the girl to improve the situation and try to let her make the decisions.
” Resources. Read a book like Queen Bees & Wannabees or watch Mean Girls, the movie based on the book, to spark conversation.
– Carrie Watters