Teenagers and Good Manners
They Really Do Go Together
One of the questions I hear frequently goes something like this: “Don’t
those teenagers and their bad manners ever get you down?” The answer is NO on
two counts. First, teenagers never get me down. I’ve made my living teaching
them for thirty-three years, and it seems to get more enjoyable and rewarding
as I get older. Second, the teenagers I know don’t have bad manners. In
fact, they have very good manners. It’s one of the joys of my profession.
How can this be? Haven’t teenagers always been rude? Aren’t they
more rude now than ever? I think that’s the perception — but it’s wrong. I also think
teenagers get a bad rap. To tell you the truth, I see a lot more rude
behavior by adults than I do by kids. I guess I’m lucky. The polite ones
always seem to end up in my classes. The question is: How come my luck has
been so good for so long? I have a theory.
Like everyone else, I began to notice a serious deterioration of
civility in our society some time during the 1980’s. But it wasn’t just kids — it was
the general population. U.S. News & World Report did a cover story a few
years ago entitled: “In Your Face – Whatever Happened to Good Manners?”
It was about people of all ages. It was about how and why we’ve become so
self-centered and inconsiderate, how we’ve forgotten (or never learned in the
first place) the Golden Rule. Did I see this slippage of good manners in my
classroom? Of course, I did. Kids, for the most part, are a reflection of
what’s going on in the world we’ve created for them.
Words like “please” and “thank you” seemed to be disappearing along with
other phrases like “excuse me” and “I’m sorry”. At the same time, swearing
was increasing. I had to stop asking “Do you talk like that in front of your
parents?” because too often the answer was “yes”. And the number of kids who
had heard of, and practiced, the Golden Rule was declining each year. I had
three choices: 1) accept the change and roll with it, 2) come down hard on
the kids, or 3) turn the issue into a life lesson. I chose the latter.
It was at about this time that I was reading Steven Covey’s book,
“The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” He had some great advice. Among other
wise suggestions, Covey says to be proactive and to think win-win. I
understood being proactive as dealing with an issue in a positive manner
before it became a problem, and I understand win-win to mean that everyone is
happy with the solution. I became very proactive. On the first day of each
semester I give a handout to every student. It lists examples of both good
and bad manners, especially in the classroom. It also asks several questions
about the positive and negative consequences of these behaviors. One of the
questions is about the Golden Rule. Several kids can’t answer it because
they’ve never heard of it. A teachable moment. I simply explain that it
means treating other people the way we’d like to be treated. Then I ask them
a question: Will this class be better if we all try to practice it?
They get it. They also understand that if I devote this much time to manners
on the first day of school, I must think they’re pretty important. They are.
I still remember one of my college professions telling me about what he called
the first principle of sociology: people behave as they’re expected to
behave. I try to make my own expectations clear, and to do it in a way that
helps my students see both the value and the rewards of being considerate of
others. I also try to reinforce my message with visible reminders. In my
classroom, my students see some signs strategically places in the front of the
room. On one side of the board they see the words “Caring Community” and
“Respect for Others.” On the other side they see a quote: “No one ever went
wrong by being polite,” and another sign that says “No Put-downs —
Compliments Spoken Here.”
A few years ago a student who wasn’t totally buying into the good manners
thing when it was introduced on day one, asked if it ever occurred to me that
I was just being old-fashioned. I said, “You bet I am. Good manners are
about as old-fashioned as hard work and a positive attitude. All three have
always improved the quality of life, and they always will. Because
old-fashioned truth never goes out of style, even with a new generation.” I
think I won him over because he was always very polite. He even thanked me at
the end of the semester for teaching him what he called some “good lessons
about life.”
Thousands of years ago, Aristotle said that education has two great
aims. One is to help young people become smart. The other is to help them become
good. The latter isn’t really that hard. The goodness is already there. It
just needs to be brought out in a win-win situation. I’m convinced that
teaching manners and the Golden Rule is the way to do it. Or maybe I’m just
lucky, because those polite kids keep showing up in my classroom year after
year.
Hal Urban -Teacher – Author-Speaker.
You can get in touch with Hal Urban at www.halurban.com/.
– Hal Urban