Do you find it hard to let go of the past and move ahead? Don’t worry.

Many people have that difficulty too! You had a clash with one of your

colleagues and your initial efforts at reconciliation fell on deaf ears!

“If only he would change, if only he was transferred, if only my boss

knew how much that difficult person has sabotaged me….” This list seems

endless. “This litany has an endless internal loop and is driving me

crazy! I need to work with him with regards to certain projects and this

is one of the goals that the boss has set for me! What a deal! ”

Don’t despair! Here’s one way to manage the issue. Develop a 20/20

vision.

1. Ask yourself: “Twenty years from now, how relevant and important

will that fight that we had last year be? In the year 2020, will this

still be an issue?” As I look back on what I thought was critical twenty

years ago, many things that happened then seem very trivial now.

2. Develop different perspectives. There are a couple of creative ways

to do this. You can brainstorm and ask yourself: “What are twenty

different ways that I can look at this incident? What are some positive

things that I can learn about life, about myself , about the other person,

about relationships?” Doing this exercise helps me to re-frame the

problem. It’s like putting on new lenses.

3. You can also ask 20 different people how they see the issue. This

will

help you enlarge your perspectives. Sometimes we do get very myopic in

vision. This is especially true in conflict situations. We somehow feel

that “I am right and the other person is absolutely wrong!” With this we

have short-sighted vision!

4. Finally you can do a very simple exercise. Put yourself in the shoes

of

five different professionals (e.g., pastor, anthropologist, doctor,

and journalist). As you step into the shoes of each, ask yourself this

question: “How would a pastor see the conflict?” Assume for a while that

you are a pastor. What would you be looking at? What would you

recommend? What would you conclude?

It takes time to resolve a conflict. Remember the last time you went for

an eye examination? When the eye doctor asked you: “How do these lenses

feel? Are they clear?” You probably said: “Well, they are better than

the ones before but still not very clear and sharp. After trying a few

lenses, finally you get ones that help you see clearly! Making up is hard

to do. It takes a lot of hard work. Expect resistance. Expect to be

successful too. After a while, you will have 20/20 vision. Your

difficult colleague can be your great work partner!

– Raymond Soh, Ph.D