20/20 Vision
Do you find it hard to let go of the past and move ahead? Don’t worry.
Many people have that difficulty too! You had a clash with one of your
colleagues and your initial efforts at reconciliation fell on deaf ears!
“If only he would change, if only he was transferred, if only my boss
knew how much that difficult person has sabotaged me….” This list seems
endless. “This litany has an endless internal loop and is driving me
crazy! I need to work with him with regards to certain projects and this
is one of the goals that the boss has set for me! What a deal! ”
Don’t despair! Here’s one way to manage the issue. Develop a 20/20
vision.
1. Ask yourself: “Twenty years from now, how relevant and important
will that fight that we had last year be? In the year 2020, will this
still be an issue?” As I look back on what I thought was critical twenty
years ago, many things that happened then seem very trivial now.
2. Develop different perspectives. There are a couple of creative ways
to do this. You can brainstorm and ask yourself: “What are twenty
different ways that I can look at this incident? What are some positive
things that I can learn about life, about myself , about the other person,
about relationships?” Doing this exercise helps me to re-frame the
problem. It’s like putting on new lenses.
3. You can also ask 20 different people how they see the issue. This
will
help you enlarge your perspectives. Sometimes we do get very myopic in
vision. This is especially true in conflict situations. We somehow feel
that “I am right and the other person is absolutely wrong!” With this we
have short-sighted vision!
4. Finally you can do a very simple exercise. Put yourself in the shoes
of
five different professionals (e.g., pastor, anthropologist, doctor,
and journalist). As you step into the shoes of each, ask yourself this
question: “How would a pastor see the conflict?” Assume for a while that
you are a pastor. What would you be looking at? What would you
recommend? What would you conclude?
It takes time to resolve a conflict. Remember the last time you went for
an eye examination? When the eye doctor asked you: “How do these lenses
feel? Are they clear?” You probably said: “Well, they are better than
the ones before but still not very clear and sharp. After trying a few
lenses, finally you get ones that help you see clearly! Making up is hard
to do. It takes a lot of hard work. Expect resistance. Expect to be
successful too. After a while, you will have 20/20 vision. Your
difficult colleague can be your great work partner!
– Raymond Soh, Ph.D