How to Build Rapport with Others

Rapport is the ability to relate to others in a way that creates respect

and trust. Rapport is derived from the French verb, rapporter, which means to

bring back. In the English dictionary, it is synonymous with harmony,

oneness, mutual trust, and, affinity. In essence, it refers to communion or

common grounds between two individuals.

Without rapport, you can’t achieve many of your personal goals – you will

have few friends, your career will remain stagnant and you can be deprived of

privileged information. Rapport, then, is the ability to see the other

person’s point of view – seeing the world through the person’s eyes, hearing

sounds from his/her ears and experiencing similar heartbeats. You don’t have

to loose your individuality by agreeing with the other person. You just have

to see it from their reference point. I have always been astounded by

people who try to change someone else’s mind by convincing them of their

own logic or data. People will always insist that they are right even

though they may be wrong to others. To win the person over, to build

rapport, you need to see reality from the other person’s world. Not

surprisingly, they will then try to

accommodate you as well.

Respecting others or building rapport comes from living out this

principle:

AGREEMENT to AGREEMENT, rather than NON-AGREEMENT to AGREEMENT. What this

means simply is that we look for common grounds (and it’s not too hard to find

them) to agree with the other person. For example, if your subordinate tells

you that she is mad because you have assigned her so many tasks

lately, you may validate her frustrations: “Yes, I understand that being

asked to do so many tasks all at once is very frustrating, especially when you

want to be home early to look after your three-year-old. Once we get over

this project, things should be more manageable around the office.” If you had

started to yell at your subordinate for being incompetent, then chances are

she will build up a wall of resistance towards you.

People like people who are like themselves. Have you ever observed people

dining in restaurants? Are you able to tell those who are new lovers over

those who have been married for years? People who are in love or in deep

rapport will typically adopt the same posture. Their bodies are symmetrically

arched towards each other. They would laugh together, move and gesture in

similar ways. In other words, they match one another. I was having lunch one

day with my colleague, a HR manager and a polytechnic lecturer. Half way

through the conversation, the lecturer quipped: “Do you guys from HR put your

elbows like an arch on the table all the time?” At that point, I glanced at

my colleague and noticed that our postures were identical. Yes, we were in

deep rapport!

Other ways to build rapport include:

1. Match the person’s tempo. If the person speaks fast, then speak at

that rate initially. Those of us who speak fast tend to find slow speakers

annoying and wonder when they will get to the point.

2. Match the person’s mood. If the person is a morning person, then it would

be wise of you to discuss important issues in the morning. By 4 p.m., when

the person is tired, you might get a brush off. This does not mean that your

ideas were wrong or bad, it could mean that you just caught the person “at

the wrong time” or “in the wrong mood”.

3. Match the person’s language system. According to Neuro Linguistics

Programming, there are three basic representational systems: visual,

auditory, and kinesthetic. If your partner is visual (e.g.: “I see what

you mean; Show me your plans; I don’t notice a problem here), then use

visual words.

Visuals respond best to graphs, flowcharts and graphic examples. Auditory

individuals would like to listen to what you have to say. They prefer that

you describe how the event went instead of showing them photographs.

Kinesthetics are individuals who talk more about their feelings. They use

words like “I feel; my gut instinct tells me; I sense that…” To build

rapport

with Kinesthetics, you need to use feeling words too, “Do you feel comfortable

about this?”

The food on my plate is quite different from the next person in line at

the buffet table. Respecting one another and building rapport means

emphasizing similarities and matching our world with the other person.

– Raymond Soh